Bikini Marketing 101


I will admit that this blog has been spawned by a dreadful trip (dum dum dum) to a department store dressing room with an armload of bathing suits. I hate bathing suit shopping worse than I hate mornings… can I get an AMEN?

Let’s start with a little bit of history.

I am not, on most days, what I would deem as overweight. I am a pleasant size 4/6/8 depending on how smart the marketing team is in whatever store I find myself. I’m a decent height at 5’6 and tip the scales somewhere between 138 and 142. Not too bad. Most of the time this is just fine with me, except for in the TJ Maxx fitting room.

Clothing stores take note. I am going to give you some tips that I believe will drastically increase your sales during this time of the year. The economy is bad right? And I’m sure you need all the help you can get. So, get your copy and paste buttons ready for some advice.

Tip #1: LIE TO ME. And maybe in the grand scheme of things your dishonesty and my distorted body image will balance out. Did you know that a few years ago I purchased an $80 pair of Abercrombie khaki pants (on sale, mind you) simply because the tag said size 4? At the time I was probably a 10 and I KNEW that there was no way on God’s green Earth that I was a true size 4, but I proudly swiped my VISA (shh… don’t tell Dave) and WORE HOME the happy lying size 4 pants. I don’t even like khaki. Here’s the deal, my mental image of myself is much much worse than any realistic reflection is going to be. So, it’s really just cruel to be realistic with someone so irrational. If you can boost my self esteem by dropping the number attached to the waistband, I will be much more likely to buy your garment.

Tip #2: JUST SAY NO TO HALOGEN. There should be a constitutional amendment concerning the use of halogen lighting in any atmosphere. Don’t do it. Sure, it may give me a more accurate version of what my pasty white cellulite is going to look like reflecting against the water in the bright sunshine, but that’s NOT what I want to see while I’m cramming my butt cheeks into a bikini bottom. I won’t have a mirror standing on the sea shore. All I will have is the glowing memory of how lovely my silky smooth skin looked in the dimly lit dressing room while trying the suit on. What I choose to be oblivious to won’t hurt me.

Tip #3: THE MIRROR SHOULD MAKE ME HAPPY. Tilt the mirror. Good grief, tilt the mirror. There is no reason to have 19 different angles of myself all reflecting back the same sad image at 90 degrees. Do you know how slimming a mirror tilted back just a tad can make me feel? Again… it’s all about tip #1.

I’m going to the lake on Sunday with some friends. I have no interest in dressing to impress anyone, but today I still feel the need to pop another happy pill and wash it down with a half a serving of SlimFast. I will be wearing last year’s clearance suit and a cover up, thank you TJ Maxx.


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