Free To A Good Home


If you are my “real world” friend you will know that I use my cell phone for everything, including managing my shopping lists.  Let me copy and paste for you my shopping list for today:

Tomato Sauce
Peanut Butter
Vodka… lots of Vodka
Ground Beef

Now let me tell you about my day.  It’s Saturday and it’s very cold and rainy.  The weather man is calling for sleet tonight.  Oh joy…. That means I have to let the dogs indoors.  Great. 

Before I begin, let me explain.  I love my children.  They are what makes my sun rise and set each day and I cannot imagine life without them.  HOWEVER, today I almost slapped a “Free To A Good Home” sign on them and sent them to the curb.

It all began with, “Mom, I peed all over da bafroom.”  That is never a good statement to wake up to early on a Saturday morning.  These are moments that make me REALLY miss my husband.  Due to obvious anatomical differences, I cannot properly teach my son how to correctly stand, point and go.  Therefore I was up waaay before I wanted to be cleaning the kids’ bathroom floor, wall and bathtub.  I’m still not sure how much of the mess was an accident rather than artistic expression.

I washed my hands and trudged back to bed.

I can see my kids playing in the living room from the comfort of my amazingly cozy bed and they were behaving, coloring on construction paper and watching cartoons.  Then I hear my daughter.  “Will, you’re in trouble… Mom!”

We have a brand new micro suede couch that I love.  Or at least I loved it yesterday.  Today it is covered in red Crayola marker.  Will spent the next long while in timeout in his bed and I frantically Googled how to remove marker from suede.  Forty five minutes later, I gave up on the bed and took a shower. 

While in the shower, my five year old came in three different times asking me to spell my name, Will and Our Home.  She was making a sign so everyone would know who lived in our house.  When I got out of the shower a bright orange construction paper sign was GLUED to our living room wall.  Isn’t that just adorable?  L

The construction paper covered walls of my house began caving in and after I had made the aforementioned list, we headed off to Target with my sister.  She laughed at my list and said, “I don’t think they sell vodka at Target.”  Next, we made a stop at Kohl’s to coat shop.  As I gave my sister my opinion on a coat that I will later go back and buy, my son disappeared.  I had purposefully dressed him in a Tennessee orange jacket so he would be easy to keep track of.  No orange jacket anywhere.  Five full minutes of searching under every coat rack in the area ticked by with no sign of my kid.  Frantic, I headed to the Service desk to put everyone on alert for a three foot pirate (he’s still wearing the hat) unsupervised in the enormous store.  My sister continued the search and found him at the Hot Wheels aisle in the toy section in the back of the store.  (Ernie, I blame you for this.)

After a fierce spanking and then hugging and tears, we headed home.  My nerves were on edge and I put my son down for a nap and seriously eyed my bottle of Xanax by the sink. 

Since naptime the kids have been watching some Scooby Pirate movie and five minutes ago Will decided to sword fight with the pirates on our new 42 inch LCD flat panel.  L

I’m getting my tubes tied.  Who wants to take me out for vodka to celebrate because of course I forgot to stop at the liquor store!?!


One Response to “Free To A Good Home”

  1. vodka? you rock!

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