Please Don’t Contact Me If You’re Schizophrenic


Mark my words… I’m going to write a new book. And I think the title of this blog might double as the title of this best seller that I’m planning for. I know it’s cliché for widows and divorcees to spout off, “The dating world has changed!” but guess, what folks? The dating world HAS changed! Be prepared for many blogs such as this to come along. I’ve got a LOT of material up my quill.

When I met my husband, I don’t think I’d ever sent or received a text message. I didn’t have a MySpace account and I’d never heard of Facebook (because that was when it was just for cool college kids). I met Robert the old fashioned way. He was a friend of a friend and a super-nice guy. He asked for my phone number, properly asked me out on a date (several times before I agreed) and less than a year later we were married. It was simple. It was uncomplicated. It was normal.

Well, I’m learning that “normal” in the realm of dating was redefined sometime during my stint as a housewife. I remember a day not too long ago, when people who did the online dating thing were stereotyped as desperate, poor, lonely souls that didn’t have the ability to maintain a social life. Little did I know THEY WERE TRENDSETTERS! I discovered this the day that I first changed my MySpace relationship status to “Single.” I received my first email from Messaging-Turrets guy.

“Hey, I think you’re cute. How come you are single?”

His picture was adorable. His name was, Devon. He was a little young for me, but he had a sweet smile and what does a little email really mean in the grand scheme of things? It’s harmless right? Heh, heh, heh… you already know where this story is going, don’t you?

We sent a few messages back and forth. He seemed really kind, easy to talk to, mildly intriguing and being cute never hurt anyone. He asked if I text messaged and sent me his phone number. So now, emailing had progressed into texting. We sent our less-than-160 character messages back and forth for a couple of days and then he asked to meet me in person. I passed on the invitation and Devon started to change. Keep in mind, we’d been chatting for days and he HAD BEEN an incredibly, seemingly-normal person. And this is how Messaging-Turrets guy earned his nickname.

Devon: I’m going to be in your area today… can you come hook up with me? (This is NEVER a good thing to hear – or read – from someone you meet online, unless you are truly willing to umm… “hook up” in the Biblical sense.)

Me: Umm… no. Are you kidding?

Devon: Why would I be kidding? You’re hot, I thought you’d be down.

Me: I’m so NOT down.

Devon: Well, I guess I’m just barking up the wrong tree.

Me: I guess so.

Devon: That’s fine with me tho. I don’t date chicks with kids. You should go find some divorced man that already has a couple.


Devon: I’m not wasting my time on you anymore.

Holy text messaging Batman! Had I just been “played” and “dissed” over a satellite connection? Devon was immediately blocked from visiting me on MySpace and deleted from my phonebook to remove any temptation that I had to reach through the phone and high-five his face! The next day I receive another text message.

Devon: You blocked me. Why? I’m sorry.

I didn’t respond. So he tried to call. I ignored him.

Me: You were nice and then you were an ass. What’s wrong with you? Is it a mental condition?

Devon: I’m sorry, I promise I won’t be an ass anymore.


Devon: Please still be my friend.

Me: No.

Every other day for 2 weeks I got simple texts from him. “Hey.” “Can we still talk?” “I said I was sorry.” Too bad my Treo doesn’t have a “block user” button. Finally on Sunday I hope (and think) he got the message.

Devon: Hey, it’s Devon. Remember me? Can we talk?

Me: Yes, Devon. I remember you. I have you filed under “Douche Bag” in my phonebook. I’m not wasting my time on you anymore.

I haven’t heard from Messaging-Turrets guy since but the week isn’t out yet! Anyone wanna place a bet??? Lol

More stories to come….


2 Responses to “Please Don’t Contact Me If You’re Schizophrenic”

  1. Doesn’t that just suck when you realize that someone’s just trying to get something out of you?

    These days there are too many kids out there who are extremely quick to date someone online, and then move to their location (before they even meet!), just to instantly find out that they are nothing like what they seemed to be over the net. And even more sadly, half of them don’t even learn their lesson, the first… how many dozens of time?

  1. 1 Don’t Date The Mommy!!! « Impacting Journey

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