Love… I Suck At It


Maybe this blog should be reserved for my private journal, but oh well; you guys have walked with me through the fire up until this point, so I might as well just throw some more of my junk out there. If nothing else, reading about my “jackedupness” might help you feel better about yourself and your life, so I resign myself to whatever fate may come of this.

One morning last year, on my way to work, I was behind a car with a bumper sticker that said, “The opposite of love is indifference.” For someone with as terrible of a memory as I have it is remarkable how clearly that image has been burnt into my brain. “The opposite of love is indifference.”

For the past year or so, I’ve often found myself contemplating the idea of love. Today I decided to ask to define it for me and got a lot of answers that only provoke more questions.

1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
2. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.
3. sexual passion or desire.
4. a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.
5. (used in direct address as a term of endearment, affection, or the like): Would you like to see a movie, love?
6. a love affair; an intensely amorous incident; amour.
7. sexual intercourse; copulation.
8. (initial capital letter ) a personification of sexual affection, as Eros or Cupid.
9. affectionate concern for the well-being of others: the love of one’s neighbor.
10. strong predilection, enthusiasm, or liking for anything: her love of books.
11. the object or thing so liked: The theater was her great love.
12. the benevolent affection of God for His creatures, or the reverent affection due from them to God.
13. Chiefly Tennis. a score of zero; nothing.
14. a word formerly used in communications to represent the letter L.

I’ve often been asked (and I HATE this question), “Have you ever been in love?” Thinking over the aforementioned list, I have experienced a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person, I have a deep personal attachment to my children, family and friends, definitely have sexual passion or desire, I’ve had sexual intercourse…. So surely, the answer must be “Yes.”

Let’s switch continents for a moment. The Greeks have many different words for love because obviously my great love for my children and my love for my Big Star jeans can hardly fall into the same category. The three most popular forms of the word are Eros, Philia and Agape. If you know me in the real world the last one should trigger a memory. I have Agape tattooed on my wrist. My friend, the Latin/Greek scholar may crucify me for the butchering job I’m about to do on this Greek lesson and I will accept correction willingly. Eros is the strong passionate side of love, sensually speaking. Philia is more of a friendship type love. Agape is love in more of a general sense and the divine love between man and God.

My question is where does being “in love” fall into all of this? How does one determine whether or not they, in fact, are in love with another human being? Where is the “soul-mate” kind of love? If there even is such a thing… excuse my cynicism. It would be my opinion that the love between a man and a wife should be a combo of all three of the Greek definitions and maybe the first three definitions from Right?

I believe that love exists. I am in love with my children, without them I would only be an empty shell left to wallow in a life of emptiness. I also LOVE my new Uggs, my cushy soft bed and my bathtub. This kind of love is easy for me. In the same breath, I will tell you I am hideously mortified of love. Maybe mortified isn’t quite accurate. I’m becoming indifferent and that is a scary scary place to be in. This is a fairly new revelation for me and more and more I am starting to grasp the true reality of it. Love and Elicia just don’t fare well together. I just can’t make it last!

I can’t blame anyone but myself. I’ve made a lot of poor choices in the relationship department over the years that have left me jaded and numb. I accept that. I do, however, WANT to have hope that I will not be so jacked up forever. I do want to have hope that happy endings do exist. Maybe that’s a start?

Anyone else find it ironic that in Tennis, love means “ZERO!”


3 Responses to “Love… I Suck At It”

  1. 1 Alan

    ” The little unremembered acts of kindness and love are the best parts of a person’s life.” …… William Wordsworth

    That reflects a lot to my statement on your blog. Ironic but true hang in there as life is a long journey with many stops and rests.

  2. 2 darkeve

    I suck at it as well. I made the worst choices ever in the relationships department, but the thing is that it wasnt always the other person’s fault. Something is usually wrong with me. I have terrible mood swings and I change my mind about everything all the time. So I guess I suck at love too!

  1. 1 Can We Just Be Friends? « Impacting Journey

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